Saturday, August 31, 2013

why i am here

i am here because i adopted a child, promised the child safety, love, a second chance, comfort, security.

i cannot stand to be with this child most of the time.

this week, when i took the child swimming, i kept my head under water as long as possible, only coming up to breathe, so i would not have to hear the child's voice. the child's presence in my home haunts me.

i don't love this child. i don't miss this child when we are away from each other.

the way the child smells, sounds, walks, eats (oh my gosh the way this child eats) repels me. even the way the child jokes around, plays, moves, and breathes is uncomfortable for me.

this child has done nothing wrong. this child does not have major behavior issues. this child doesn't act out. this child doesn't steal. doesn't kill animals. doesn't talk back. doesn't do one thing wrong.

i am just a shitty, unattached mother.

every time i touch this child i feel uncomfortable. at first, i knew it was normal, we didn't know each other. we were new to each other. but the feeling of discomfort has only grown until it is abhorrent to touch this child. this child has been mine for over a year. and the distance has become a chasm instead of a little gap.

nearly every effort i make to smile, encourage, show affection, show approval is strained.

this child knows it. this child is not bright, but one thing is clear: we scare the shit out of each other. this child has found no security, love and safety with me. no, the fear and confusion is as strong as it was when the child's first family fell apart.

i am not keeping my promise. i hate myself for it. and this child hates him/herself, too. i am helping that. i am partly to blame. first father, first mother, and me, second mother: no one has given this child what this child deserves: unfailing, fierce love.

i, a mother, have a child who is deathly afraid of me, because i know this child sees the deadness in my eyes and the lack of warmth, and my own fear and disapproval whenever we see each other. this child can sense the tension. this child doesn't know why. doesn't know that something is broken in me. surely this child believes this child is at fault for all the brokenness around him/her.

i need God to give me love for this child. this child deserves better than me. every day i know that more and more, and the child believes it less and less.

i am utterly unattached to my adopted child. and the child is unattached to me. i know i am supposed to fake it. i believe this child is at risk for self harm, and future teenage pregnancy seeking approval and affection from any source who will give it, unless i can somehow fill an empty heart with unconditional love.

and as of this morning, i felt ok until i saw the child. and i am afraid the child saw that disappointment in my face.

this place, here, hiding on the internet, is the start to what i hope is my road to finding out what i really feel, why, and eventually being able to love to a child who needs it so desperately. i need to find a way to be apart of this child's healing, instead of creating more wounds. i want to turn this around.

Jesus help me.

2 comments:

  1. So glad you are reaching. Sounds like you are in a very tough position. Is it possible for you to seek help with a counselor in the city you're in?

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  2. You are very articulate about this, and honestly, you do sound very compassionate about this child. You want to turn this around. Can you find one thing about this child you can feel good about? A talent or ability s/he has that you can focus on? One little starting point? Could depression be part of it? Many APs suffer post adoption depression, and yes, I believe it can easily last a year or more. Have you talked to your agency? Joined online support groups? I know you are not alone. Take good care of yourself. Do you have daily breaks from this child when you can relax? Forgive yourself and start over, and keep looking for resources and support. Can you find one thing about this child you can feel good about? A talent or ability s/he has that you can focus on? One little starting point?

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